Why I Will Never be on Buddha at the Gas Pump & Other Full Moon Musings

It’s mid April, 2015, and I’m standing at the threshold of my home as spiritual teacher Igor Kufayev and his wife Emma pack their luggage and two children into a friend’s car for a week long trip to one of the islands near Vancouver. I can’t help but think they are escaping my house for a dose of outer peace (cause as you know, enlightened teachers have all the inner peace they need).

Their two weeks as my houseguests has been difficult this time round: Igor is in town to hold teaching events and to grow the local following I helped him start up a year before. The first visit to my home was a “summer of love” that lasted forty epic days. We affectionately dubbed my house “The Ashram.”

This second visit ten months later was to be “Ashram 2” but just like any sequel to a blockbuster film, the second round is never as satisfying.

This visit, I’m in the middle of my householder gig in crazy-ass chaos mode. The father of my children, my ex, has just come out of an eight week cerebral malaria coma. My teen daughter has come unravelled because of it, with failing grades, missed classes and a harrowing 3 A.M. ambulance to the hospital for alcohol overdose, replete with her ear-splitting, invective-rich shouting — all while the “holy family” as I liked to playfully call the Kufayev’s are trying to sleep in the guest room below.

Add to this tempest that I am in the middle of an intensive video training course so I can launch an online writing-coach business. And that very morning I’ve walked into my open car door, gashed my head, bled all over the place and am dizzy and nauseous. I am clearly concussed.

Still holding the band-aid in place on my throbbing head as the holy family races out the door to catch a ferry, I am confronted by my guru’s wife. Emma, who I consider my soul sister friend, says something to me like, “Why are you doing this online business B.S. What happened to you? Igor told you that you’re supposed to be a teacher.”

Her tone is a mix of pity, disappointment and her look is pure exasperation.

And in that very moment I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know if this woman is really my friend or simply the devotee mouthpiece for her guru husband. I don’t know if I will have a scar from the gash near my eye. I don’t know if I will finish the video training course this week and I don’t know if Igor is really my teacher after all.

But I do know one true thing. I will never be that person who calls herself a spiritual teacher and stands in line for my turn to dazzle Buddha at the Gas Pump host Rick Archer and his listeners with my spiritual prowess.

Because the truth is, a guru is the last thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up.

Let’s get this straight. Awakening to true nature, self-realization, jivan-mukti-hood or whatever the hell you call it, does not mean that your dharma is to become a teacher of enlightenment. (Dharma is the thing you were born for, basically).

There seems to be a whole lot of people waking up these days and the vast majority will not end up on Buddha at the Gas Pump telling their awakening tales, conducting satsangs, writing books like How to Attain Enlightenment  and in general, playing the role of Teacher.

But there was a time when I was seduced into wondering if, by virtue of a massive over night shift of perspective (Holey Moley, I’m Awake), it was my duty to show others the way.

You see, the urge that birthed this blog did not come from a desire to teach, but to report.

I felt like I’d done the rabbit hole trip to Wonderland (no Queen of Hearts, but no Me there either) and all I wanted to do was share the marvel of it all with the world. I’d worked as a reporter in my 20’s and it only seemed natural when my reality shattered at age 49 to report a headline as newsworthy as “Liberation from the Grand Illusion of Separate Selfhood Really Does Happen!”


I should have seen it coming. You can only write about enlightenment for so long before people want to pin the Teacher label on you. Still, no matter how many readers of my blog wanted private “teaching” sessions with me (and there were quite a few) my reply was always: “I am not a teacher, I am a reporter.” (Check the tagline of my blog; Dispatches from Beyond the Dream not Teachings).

But it wasn’t until a self-proclaimed guru pinned that label on me that it began to stick….just for a bit, I was enchanted by the idea of it. The only problem was he wasn’t telling me to go forth and do my own thing. Rather, I was being groomed to be a teacher who teaches the teachings of her teacher. You know, that old-fashioned tradition of sitting at your guru’s feet until one day, that guru gives you the official blessing to enter the downline and teach.

In my case, I was also being prepped to appear on the well known Teacher Walk of Fame show Buddha at the Gas Pump. Igor Kufayev was doing his best to engineer an interview with me by Rick Archer during Rick’s visit to Vancouver in the fall of 2015.

I could see it all unfolding with perfect clarity and with utter distaste.

This was not the path I was born for. This was not my dharma.


Three months after his second visit to my home I left my teacher. It was a July full moon blue moon (yes, once in a blue moon), when Igor and I had a falling out. The details don’t matter right now, but maybe one day I will be tempted to kiss and tell, if only as an object lesson for teachers in how not to run a sangha.

As soon as I announced my decision to distance from Igor Kufayev as my teacher and as a major player in his Flowing Wakefulness organization, he wrote BATGAP host Rick Archer an email.

I’ve been told that the content of this email was a bit of a character slam but that is hearsay. Mostly I gather that it was a warning not to interview me after all and a revoking of the guru-seal-of-approval.

Given that I had never agreed to be interviewed at all, this made me laugh and cringe at the same time. How I could have been so bewitched by a teacher that I was almost seduced into seeing myself in the role of teacher?

Over the months since, I’ve looked into my own heart and found this gem: the feeling of being special and being praised was still a hook for the remnants of my personality that ran unconscious scripts. I was spell-bound by my hidden desire not to be a teacher but rather to be a teacher’s pet.

But there is more. Igor is a soul friend. I met him in a dream the night before he showed up in real life. I dreamed his green eyes. I dreamed his name (I wrote in my dream journal, “Who the hell is named Igor except in a vampire movie?”).

And I still dream of him. Some soul contracts are poignant. Some one had to play Judas so that Jesus could “rise again.” I understood at a deep level that I was dancing a karma dance with Igor.

And finally, when the dance was done, choosing to disappoint my dance-partner-teacher was the best thing that ever happened to me other than waking up. And leaving Igor Kufayev as my teacher was the ultimate teaching.

It was also the hardest lesson and the most durable lesson of my life: There never really is a teacher teaching and a student learning. There is simply One Self fluidly moving, flowing into myriad and kaleidoscopic roles, with playful abandon and with crystal clear purpose.

I am purposed. So are you. And no “teacher” can tell you what that purpose is. That self-knowledge is yours alone to discover.

I know that now in a way I didn’t know then. I know it in my bones the same way that a gazelle knows it is a creature of swift grace and that an eagle never doubts it owns the sky.

I know now that the playful flow of Being that expresses as Lori Ann has never had designs to be a white-robed, sat-sang leading guru. (I yawn at the thought of it.)

Rather, this spark of the divine delights in imagination, creativity, written expression, magic, miracles and ultimately, cheerleading others to remember their unique-as-their-fingerprint dharma and in so doing, serve the collective awakening to living a soul-centric life.


Remember those things I did not know that day in April standing on the edge of chaos on the threshold of my home while a guru and his family drove away? I know them now:

Q: I don’t know if this woman is really my friend or simply the devotee mouthpiece for her guru husband.

A: She is both and neither.

Q: I don’t know if I will have a scar from the gash near my eye.

A: I do. The scar looks like a crescent moon and will forever remind me of the day I remembered myself more deeply.

Q: I don’t know if I will finish the video training course this week.

A: I didn’t. I had to quit (the head injury made me dizzy for days) and redo the course months later…yet perfectly timed. I changed my online business to an even more dharma-true direction as a result of the time out.

Q: I don’t know if Igor is really my teacher after all.

A: He was a catalyst, a friend, and a damn good lesson in what happens when I abdicate my own sovereign knowingness. But as for teacher, here’s the deal: I am a student of my infinite heart. And that is teacher enough.

Awareness is here, musing on the full moon.

PS: I did get to meet Rick Archer when he came to town. And instead of him interviewing me, I interviewed him! That’s us below, on a 90 minute ferry ride together.



91 thoughts on “Why I Will Never be on Buddha at the Gas Pump & Other Full Moon Musings

    1. Lori Ann Lothian

      Thank you Ganapati for your comment — it went to a place in my wordpress that thought it required approval. This made me laugh out loud. Yes, of COURSE IGOR is a catalyst for people to wake up. The One Self playing as many uses each of us for that one reason only — to remember. Igor was my teacher — and is — that is how life works, His teaching was by disruption of expectation and by his apparent humanity — and that in the divine Leela, is as it should be. We are each other’s mirrors and divine stewards. THank you for taking the time to comment here.


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  3. Anudeep A A

    Is it possible to truly know your dharma without being fully realised?Nothing personal.Just wondering.For me personally, with every tiny shifts in the path my interests and hobbies are changing. When that is the case, what is the assurance thatwhat we call as our ‘dharma’ won’t change down the line.Will appreciate your kind reply.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. madhu

    Guru is merely the finger pointing​ towards a direction when we feel we are lost. It is our choice to take the path.


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  6. Craig

    Just checked out a link to Igor’s Facebook page. Gotta say he appears so stereotypical surrounded by women at his feet. Like Austin Power’s “Love Guru”. Makes me want to run in the opposite direction.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Robert

    Thanks Lori for this article. I was brought here after witnessing the Facebook exchange. Honestly, for me it’s rather novel to witness a guru being outed because it so seldom happens, so thank you for that experience.

    Unlike others, I did not perceive that you were claiming to be enlightened, but just that you had awakened to presence. And really, who knows what enlightenment is anyway? It may just be a distractive carrot dangling in our faces to lure ego aware from presence.

    What I find somewhat incongruent is the notion that an awakened or enlightened person is somehow above human pettiness. There’s this “higher values” ideal which implies that suffering and “lower emotions” somehow go away when you have realization. It seems apparent that the opposite is true. One becomes more open to the florid experience of human reality, having surrendered resistance to the whole, and there is a greater sense that there’s no “you” doing it, but instead it’s all just one thing doing itself. There’s no “you” in it., yet you’re seemingly a “you”.

    A guru is just an every day person living their enlightened life, just like anyone. It’s like trying to tell a genius that they’re brilliant. To them, they’re just a person being a person, the label is immaterial, but others may sing their praises. So to then turn around and say that this brilliant person is not actually brilliant because they didn’t live up to expectations is actually inconsequential to that person’s enlightened life.

    Igor may or may not be a guru. I may or may not be a guru. You may or may not be a guru. It’s all relative. I find myself in agreement with your assessment that the teacher/student paradigm is just one more illusion to see beyond. It’s all just a cosmic dance of dharma playing out endlessly. There may or may not be comeuppance for phonies, by virtue of the fact that if someone has pointed you toward remembrance, how much of a phony can they really be?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lori Ann Lothian

      Yes, I agree with you on that gurus are human. Yet it can be challenging to hang out with gurus who forget their own humanity and turn every bad behavior into an enlightened action. It’s a recipe for abuse of perceived power and just not very much fun to be around.

      Here is one way of seeing enlightenment : It is where you have a speck of dark in the vast light of remembrance.vs a speck of light in the vast darkness of forgetfulness. In that sense, Igor is enlightened. But that remaining speck..well, that’s the part that must be remembered too, for the fullness of grace to move through a teacher in ways that do not create karmic shock waves.

      Thanks for reading. Love your way of expressing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Max

        You have clearly touched on an important topic Lori, that many people are thinking about and struggling with. It’s so important for people to realize that even the gurus have their issues ! This helps people realise that we have to stop struggling our essentail human-ness. It is a gift and miracle, even at the same time that life is “messy”. But to be in this body and to live it fully is something really special, if we meditate on that, my experience is that, you will travel far along the path to where you want to go…

        It was brave of you to open this topic up for discussion and it must have taken some guts to do that. But kudos to you for doing so, because I think it really helps people to know that they are not as far from their intended destination as some of us had been led to believe..


    2. Lori Ann Lothian

      this article, The Humanity of the Guru, was written by Igor’s right hand devotee…she was cut off from the sangha right after and is no longer with Igor (after more than a year of dedicated volunteering as well). Igor found it “disrespectful” and in the wake of it’s publication, removed her without notice from all of her contact and admin roles and forbid her to attend his events. Just saying.


      Liked by 1 person

      1. shanti girl

        The writer Lea Moon (Cutter) had nothing bad to communicate about Igor. She admitted that her problems were her own and not Igor’s.


      2. loreallia

        How do you know that Lea Moon was cut off by Igor because of her blog post and not some reason that has not been printed? Is there more to this story?


    3. shaun dixon

      Can you help me as im so confused as ive watched too many conflicting stories about awakening. Please can you show me the simple technique of really seeing awareness so i can start properly on the path. I have been Meditating for 3 years but i have not really achieved what i hear other people express on BATGAP. I would be eternally grateful for your help as your honesty and bravery in what you have done has really inspired me. Many thanks Shaun Dixon.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lori Ann Lothian

        If there was a simple formula I would tell you. Each way to the awaking threshold is likely utterly unique. One thing to consider. Which aspect of you is confused and wants clarity and a simple technique? Is there something wrong with reality is it is now?

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Becky Wilson

    Do not fool yourself.

    If you are still involved in harming others,
    hostility, gossip, unkindness, secret motives, meanness,
    you are not growing spiritually.

    Your body and actions are under the Law of Karma.
    You must examine your character.

    I meet so many people who say, “I am Free,
    I am Pure Consciousness.”
    And they think that they can do whatever they want.

    Go after whatever they want.
    Harm others. Be disrespectful.
    They are out of control.

    They wonder why they do not feel Joy.
    Bliss. Love…the Truth of their Being.
    A love for humanity.
    All these things.
    Observe your actions.

    Many do not understand this.
    They think they can skip over the basic foundation
    and become “Realized”.

    I meet so many people who know so many spiritual terms,
    who have been on the Path for so many years.
    Been to India so many times.
    They pride themselves on this.
    They know every spiritual terminology that exists.
    But, they have no Awareness.
    No Realization. No Joy. No Happiness. No Kindness.
    They are fooling themselves.

    ~ Robert Adams

    Liked by 2 people

  9. dhania

    My advice is to not loan money to anyone in Igor’s group, invest in any schemes or get hoodwinked into donating. Did anyone meet a character called Lea Moon aka Lea Love aka Lea Cutter who like Emma Devi runs ecstatic dance and sundry other projects in need of funding?


      1. dhania

        That’s a silver lining to a dark cloud. I have been to too many circuses. I must be at the jaded point of giving it all up. Too many con artists to breathe.


  10. dhania

    I would love to hear the whole story about the falling about with Igor because illusion around such faux gurus is rarely broken. Igor reeks of ego and his followers comprise of people who want belief and not reality. I met some real sharks among them, grifters who float around such communities only to take the money of naive members.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Marlyn

      dhania, I agree with you. I attended a meet igor potluck and 2 ‘dharshans’ and did not connect with this group at all. I saw a big ego fishing for followers and volunteers. But then I’ve always had an aversion to self proclaimed ‘gurus’.


    2. Lori Ann Lothian

      It’s not worth my time to denounce a man who will end up shooting himself in the foot anyway. I don’t need the karma of being the one who points out that the Emperor is naked.

      The truth always reveals itself, in time.


      1. Lori Ann Lothian

        I told my story as I experienced it then– IF that’s a denouncement, it’s in the eye of the reader. Denounce: “to publicly declare to be wrong or evil” — I don’t see that as what this article does. Do you?


      2. Laurie Gillies

        I wasn’t referring to the article, but to your comment.

        “I don’t need the karma of being the one who points out that the Emperor is naked”


  11. Bro Dave

    None of us knows what anothers path to “Enlightenment” is. We all have our path… through monkhood, family involvement, service/carreer, etc. As John Lennon so wisely wrote: “Life is what happens while we are busy making other plans.” I bless you on your journey as you bless the world through yours.


  12. Jim

    Paramahansa Yoganunda told a parable about organized religion/spirituality. He compared the process of enlightenment to being on one side of a wide river with realization being the other shore. On your side, there are many boats with names like Christianity, Buddhism, Hindu, etc. Any of the boats can take you to the other shore, but to achieve realization it is necessary upon reaching the other shore to step out of the boat. As you observe, a teacher is a catalyst, but their realization is theirs, not yours.


  13. alohaleya

    Love this: I was spell-bound by my hidden desire not to be a teacher but rather to be a teacher’s pet.”

    I’m very grateful for the teachers I’ve had, as the’ve perfectly reflected what I could not see in myself. I’m also grateful to provide this reflection for others. But at the end of the day, no one can say with any certainty what’s right for me, no matter how much I’ve fed that illusion in this or any other lifetime. As you so brilliantly write: “There never really is a teacher teaching and a student learning. There is simply One Self fluidly moving, flowing into myriad and kaleidoscopic roles, with playful abandon and with crystal clear purpose.”

    Thank you! Aleya


  14. John King

    If you’re enlightened then I’m a flying turtle. Absurd. A deluded fruit from a deluded tree. Petty ego games from both the false guru and equally falsely “enlightened” student. Proof of what a dark age this is. Those who know do not say and those who say do not know. May you awaken to your own delusion.


    1. Lori Ann Lothian

      I report my journey in journalistic style John King…I had a massive shift of perspective that I called an awakening…there is always further to go and I don’t position myself as an enlightened teacher. How we define enlightenment is fuzzy to say the least….this process is best described below by Adyashanti…thanks for your assessment of my delusion.

      As we awaken, we begin to discover, one to the exclusion of the other.
      First you’re a human being … then you’re Mr. nobody … and then Mr. nobody, is a human being.
      And they’re both simultaneously, true … they’re both simultaneously happening.
      The danger of teachings is that, almost everything that can be said … the opposite can be said to be almost equally true.
      This presence of being is vast.
      It’s all inclusive.”


  15. paulmcdky

    Gee… I was really looking forward to Rick interviewing you. Not that I knew anything about you being prepped to be interviewed (I didn’t) but since I’ve been following you on FB and other cyber-outposts I sort of expected to see you there. Oh, well…

    Blessings to you on your journey…


  16. freyasky

    Thank you for your creativity and freshness. I have a guru, whom I love like a blood family and cannot stop loving. The last year I find myself more interested in my daily life than retreats. I have questioned many time weather being a guru is a test for the guru. Can a human stay humble and true when exposed to fame, easy money and attractive sexual partners ready to do anything if only asked.
    However, I am very old fashioned and think if one is to follow a guru it has to be a lineage stretching through millennia and if one is to teach to conditions have to be met – enlightenment and the guru has to ask her to pass on the live flame from heart to heart. How many of today’s gurus will stand up to this standard that was a common practice once?


      1. freyasky

        Yes, Lori. It gets even trickier if you are on a tantric path. Ego has many hiding places. There comes a time, when the student has no choice but relying on her own intuition because the guru is forever evading to take responsibility for you and what you project on him.
        This is maybe of the biggest value – to have a place holder for how we want the guru to be, the tantrums and judgment when he is just like us. The doubts, what am I doing here with this person? It is really good stuff if we can take it the creative way and stop dreaming with open eyes. Then we grow up truly and life becomes simple.

        Liked by 1 person

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      1. shaun dixon

        Please help me, you have inspired me by your honesty and bravery. Can you show me or tell me a simple technique in seeing awareness or presence. I think i am doing the right thing but all this different spirituality is so Convoluted. Is there an easy way to practice like going inside yourself and asking who am i? i so confused as there is so many techniques but they become Intelectual when they go off on one about Sanscrict abstractions. Please help e with a simple meditation technique which is effective. Many thanks love Shaun Dixon.


  18. Gayanee

    I am happy to read this as I too have been uncovering my hidden impressions to be a ‘teachers pet’ or the ‘good girl in class’. I too once had to leave a beloved teacher and still healing from it even though he’s still a dear friend. I like your reporting style Lori! I still appreciate what the guru role and what people like Igor are called to do. It’s such an amazing support to some. Yet I am also glad this discussion is unfolding! As Igor once told me that we are blessed with many teachers on the way to full embodiment. So for people like me who have that tendency to want to be a teachers pet, it’s a fine balance of being with a teacher while not getting enchanted by them. Thankfully I am right now with one who don’t give a darn about traditional guru stuff and personal devotion :). P.s I would love to see you and Rick have a chat on BatGap!


  19. Jurgen

    Lori I was a little shocked when you originally rolled out your teacher on your blog. That was not the perception I had of you. I loved your reporting style, bold and “unashamedly” revealing your “enlightenment” for all to see. That’s what I liked, the testimony. There was an unholiness about your reporting style which had such appeal. To talk about the holy cows such as “enlightenment” takes guts and it was your down to earth narrative that attracted me to your blog. What I like here now is your fearlessness in loosing your halo. Give me reality any day.

    Personally I always preferred the “Petty Tyrants” to teachers, the ones who try to turn your life into a living hell as my boss once tried. In the end he taught me sovereignty and freedom. May be teachers have now reached saturation point in any case and we need more friction and scars to bring out the best in us.

    There is so much beauty in the ordinary, the reality of the banal, which looked at from the point of stillness reveals so many layers. These humble layers brought into focus by stillness are worthy of reporting.

    The aspirations of people striving to become spiritual teachers have an element of the comical, because they are just so irreconcilable, so cringey. In any case, what is there to teach? The best a reporter of stillness can do is reporting what she finds and sees, when stillness transforms her into an artist and humble messenger, giving testimony of what real Reality has on offer so people can take a second look for themselves. Then the reporter walks on, no second look or waiting for applause or “likes”, focused only on the job.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lori Ann Lothian

      If I ever claim a halo, please shoot me 🙂 yes, I kind of got caught in a rip tide of devotion to guru, but in a way, that’s why I got out of it too…you see, the real break with Igor was he wanted me to be a devotee but I was never really there. The awakening in 2011 was the death of the seeker…with that death, devotee is not a role that can stick for long.

      THanks for your comments. They are refreshing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Stefan

        What exactly did he mean by devotee? what did you think it meant?… I know that was never in your heart but maybe you over reacted to what you thought he was asking…and I wonder if Igor was just unconsciously follwoing a tradition (of Teacher-guru bs) that needs to stop once and for all (it should be more of a temporary guide-person who needs guidance thing).
        i know it’s a moot point now but what’s your side of the story. I’m sure many of us would like to know what happened. I’m just wondering if it’s all a breakdown in communication or whether there was something really harmful/serious involved. It would be good to know because he’ll then be justifyably discredited as another teacher who just rehashes spiritual knowledge (which I think can help anyone for a while). I think it’s the exotic spiritual verbiage that trips most of us up, ultimately wasting our time (when we should be listening to our own inner knowledge). This is the worst-written post here, a little blunt but I think you get what I’m trying to say.


      2. Lori Ann Lothian

        The details of what happened don’t really matter. No, it was not just a break down in communication. And no, there is no hidden sex scandal. It was simply a matter of karma between the two of us playing out and we both recognize that. Igor is not my enemy, he is simply a soul that I did 18 month tango with, and then, the dance was done.


      3. Stefan

        lol! i never thought there was a sex scandal. No, i thought more in terms of some obnoxious, strange, selfish behaviour or something like that, lol. Well, ok yeah…it was time for you to move on…do your thing…it’s just that I’ll never know then whether those replies were from Igor or his wife (the ones you deciphered as being written by him based on his syntax…)…and that is enough to weird me out.


  20. Sarah

    Life mirrors back to us what we think we know. As we undo what isn’t so and surrender more fully to what is so, the mirror disappears too.


  21. rizalperez1974

    Hi Lori!, Great Post! I You Inspire to write about my Own Spiritual Journey and what bits of Wisdom I have discovered. I have a crescent moon scar too! (On my wrist) . It’s fodder for a humorous tale from my child hood lol…..Happy Holidays! -Rizal


  22. Vera Groen

    such a great and beautiful post Lori Ann – thank you for this insightful sharing. You may not be a teachter but I certainly learn a lot from you! I also decided not to follow Igor around, mainly because of practical reasons (I have no money for all these satsangs abroad and I have meaningful work and living to do right here) and I am still grateful for that one (inspired by you) time I spent some days with him, including the laughing-my-head-of-session) – but I also realize more than ever that what I seek is inside me, to put it simple). Much love to you from the Netherlands, and keep up your fantatstic whatever-it-is-you’re doing and reporting about it! Vera


    1. Lori Ann Lothian

      Thanks for sharing your own story too Vera. Yes, bliss happens in various times and places, and the laughing or crying that comes with bliss is lovely. Teachers can activate bliss but bliss is there all along and it can be dipped into anytime, without a teacher….

      There can be a kind of bliss-junkie thing that happens when we imagine the bliss fix comes from a teacher, instead of from our very being. Igor’s shaktipat style is a bliss activator…but it also confers power on him that does not necessarily mean true wisdom.

      But people must learn their own lessons. I can only report mine.


  23. Christiane

    I love, love, love this article. What’ s the point in following somebody else’s Agenda? I fell for a guru once – it was a deeply loving, cruel, most wonderfully tailored lesson about listening to my heart.


  24. rosannesliuzas

    Beautiful, Lori Ann, thank you. Wonderfully timed as well, I needed to hear this as a reminder at this time in my post awakening journey. Thank you for sharing x


  25. thehowofthenow

    Great post and thanks for sharing your journey with Igor. It’s useful for ‘householders’ to know that you don’t need a guru…you need to find what your looking within the chaos and complexity of home life. The path to the sacred and divine runs right through the middle of all that. Although at the time, all you see is chaos and complexity !

    Thanks for reminding and sharing and being open and honest. Love pic of you and Rick too !


  26. Song Traveler

    Yea, I saw from this distance your Igor stage and was cringing a bit. But I tend to scratch my head at the whole excessive bhakti yoga thing. It is a valid path for some people, but not my preferred landscape. Although I am always grateful when someone speaks their precious jewels of dharma wisdom. As for teaching, when we act out of awakeness we tend to see more often when people could use advice on how to be more awake. And how much happier they would be. So we speak, or write or sing or however we feel most compelled to express the joy of just being and how simply accessible is that joy. Especially when we see so many people needlessly struggling and suffering. There is nothing wrong with people making a living providing what it is others value. That is ultimately what any valid market system does. If that happens to be advise, so be it. And much better done our individual ways, instead of cloaked in a guru-y facade.


    1. Lori Ann Lothian

      Yes. You are seeing that we are all teachers for each other in whatever expression our awake-ness takes. The “guru” role can be just as valid as all of the possibilities…however, for me, that was not a place of sweetness. The after taste is quite bitter.


  27. Catherine

    Beautiful, beautiful post! I enjoyed the poetic flow of your musings above; the look-you-in-the-eye honesty about how life happens (unravels … reconstitutes … unravels … ad infinitum) and all the pointings back to Self that you freely share, with no expectations that you are going to get anything back. Thank you.


  28. Wayne Wirs

    I too struggled with my dharma after awakening—and struggled with the temptation to “make a business” out of it—but I soon found that the more I tried (and I tried because of financial fear and conditioned desire), the worse things became in my life.

    One day, a friend who is also awake, said to me, “Wayne, don’t think of it as TEACHING, think of it as SHARING,” and that changed everything. Now I just share my day-to-day life—all my experiences and doubts and slip-ups and successes and failures. Why not? The ego is irrelevant to the awakened, so why not be transparent? And yet so few awakened individuals are, especially the ones that “make a business” out of their awakening—and that to me is a sad, sad story.

    Being transparent may take the “glow” off you a bit, but in return it makes enlightenment and all the magic and mystery that the transformation awakens in and around our lives so much more ACCESSIBLE to others. Through transparency, no longer is enlightenment reserved for the few and the lucky because it can be seen for what it truly is, the natural progression of Consciousness (the Divine, TaoGodHer, whatever-you-call-it) evolving within and through each of us.

    Keep being transparent Lori Ann. Keep telling the Truth, the whole Truth and nothing but the Truth. Keep being our trusted reporter telling it like it is. There are so few of us willing to do so.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lori Ann Lothian

      thank you Wayne. I have a blue bottle etched with the word Truth that has been on my altar for the last 15 years. Honesty, transparency and truth are key to being truly catalytic in the world.

      ANd yes to this “Being transparent may take the “glow” off you a bit, but in return it makes enlightenment and all the magic and mystery that the transformation awakens in and around our lives so much more ACCESSIBLE to others. Through transparency, no longer is enlightenment reserved for the few and the lucky because it can be seen for what it truly is, the natural progression of Consciousness (the Divine, TaoGodHer, whatever-you-call-it) evolving within and through each of us.”


  29. Davidya

    Hi Lori
    I can well relate. My parents where both teachers and there has been a strong meme that way. But it was not supported. Like yourself, what gradually became clear was I’m the messenger, sharing observations on the road home. And yep, many want to give the teacher label. Even “teacher of teachers” and “world teacher”. But teaching requires a specific skill set that’s not here. And I’ve seen the mess that can happen when people try to be what they’re not.

    The only remark I’d make is: Never say Never. (laughs) I did end up doing the BAT interview during Rick’s trip here, something I never thought I’d be called to do. Not as a teacher, just sharing the curious journey here.

    And life can bring us the big lessons in unexpected ways. But we learn so much better by direct experience. 🙂


  30. Christine Lynch

    Awesome read Lori, with a conclusion that resonates as the only one possible. Sometimes the road is long and convoluted, but always brings us back to our Self. Thank you for this important reminder.

    Also, since today is Thanksgiving here in the US, I want you to know how I appreciate all that you do to point us in the direction of our own hearts. Much Love and Gratitude being sent your way…. ♥

    – Christine


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