My Sex Obsession & My Lust for God


When self-proclaimed teachers and students of enlightenment say to me,  “Why are you so obsessed with sexuality, you can’t be awake if that is the case,” I think: Really?

I think first off, why is a curious, playful, engaged stance toward sexuality an obsession? And why is it not inclusive of God and the light that we are?

nunsIt’s old school beyond old school (I am thinking Jesuits or radical Islam and female-body obscuring burkahs) to imagine that our intimate humanness,  our lovely genitalia and how they connect in love and lust, is somehow excluded from our Divinity. It’s all included.

Otherwise, separation is here. What we deem as not allowed, that which we judge as wrong, is a symptom of the mind. The truth of our nature, has no such discrimination. Our true nature allows. Our mind disallows.

Sometimes, I wish I had the pithy answer to those righteous and fearful ‘awake ones’ (or teachers of awakening) who want to know why sex is here for me, the Awakened Dreamer. And trust me: No one would bother to question why I do yoga (I do); why I work at a bank (which I don’t) or why I bother to volunteer as my daughter’s soccer team manager (which I do). Money, sports, health would be somehow exempt from scrutiny. Sex. Well. Watch out.

To those who say my professional interest in sexuality is somehow at odds with my lack of suffering (which I called awakening) I want to reply without quoting sexy Osho or some wise juicy sage of sexually liberated self realization.

I know that married and likely sexually active Ganga-gi, my teacher (pre-this-apparent-awakening) had no issues talking about sex and the truth of what we are. I know that many sages and poets through the ages have used sexual imagery to invoke the truth of our union with the beloved now.

bookYet still, I get emails and public Facebook messages that condemn or snidely (yes snide in the realms of enlightened folk commentary) remark that I should not be so into the sex theme, and even one public comment of late: “Observation over many months, you seem to be totally obsessed with sex and your own sexuality as an aging woman… get over yourself.”

But what if I am over myself?

What if in being over myself, I am now blessedly into whatever arises?

(Tip: when you are surrendered, you are co-opted to serve and you don’t always if ever get to choose how and where.)

It’s hard to explain to people that the very thing that is here, is here.

That sexuality is coming to me to write about, and create a magazine about, even as I am not in real life, really all that sexual. Just ask my husband. I am damn well menopausal…and nowhere is the thought that my sex will save me, awaken me, fulfill me or even ruin me. I am just playing in this realm of sexuality, like a curiosity driven alien who wants to know: WTF is with the sex thing?

Let’s investigate it with a smile of unknowing. And above all have fun. This is after all Lila. If you are serious, you just might have missed the Laughing Buddha part of waking up.

Thank you Sheryl for this post. Your comments have been a lovely catalyst.

Lori Ann

(Sort of sexy, kinda old, still here in awareness. Please check out my FB page Rebelle Sex and look for the launch of the magazine this June! )



PS: Did you know I’ve started a weekly 3-minute video blog? It’s free, fun and magical. Curious? Then subscribe here. 

33 thoughts on “My Sex Obsession & My Lust for God

  1. day nghe spa

    The idea that to be enlightened/awake means an abandonement of our human-ness – including the joys of sexuality – is no different than the Catholic churchs insistance on celibacy for the priesthood. Both stem from a Paranoid insistance that sex is by definition a bad thing, an unclean thing, a weakness.
    This is nonsense, of course. Sex is neither good nor ill in itself, but becomes what we make it.
    Let the so-called enlightened elite abandone their humanity, perhaps we are all better off .therefore!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lode

    It is understandable under the circumstances that so many of us still feel an overpowering desire to have sex. The Divine plan is that the perfect happiness we have Back Stage be extended to the beings in this virtual reality world, and the more there are the merrier. So procreation is still part of that plan.

    Yet it is also planned that increasingly more of us will awaken to Who our true Being is, so that this nightmare turns into a happy dream of awakening. For starters.

    For many among us this might be in a way that does not involve focusing energy into procreation -as many of us also have sex without making babies- and for some of us it might involve focusing attention so much on the oneness with the One Who is our true Being and the deep satisfaction that brings with it that sex is no longer desired. Yet the desire to have also others enjoy the indescribably great and profound delicious peace, happiness and love that oneness with our Divine Being entails is there, having completely taken the place of the desire for uniting with another body.

    So this is not a matter of morals. Even though there is a selfishly selective and therefore conditionally “loving” side to sex. And our true Being loving with a completely unconditional infinitely great Love for all of us, there is a mostly subconscious feeling of guilt and shame associated with sex. Just because selectively loving and conditionally desiring to share happiness and pleasure is not our true love desire. It is not our Ideal will, and in that sense not our real will.

    Because of Who our true Being is, as a human our conscience will keep bugging us, even though we can suppress it and protest that sex is natural and even Divine. But what do you answer when I ask you why you don’t have sex with someone who would love to have it with you, as it would give him or her great physical pleasure, but you still deny that other person that pleasure, because it would not give you pleasure, not finding the other attractive?
    Is it not because there is a very selfish side to this sex business? Be honest.

    The reason you dislike to think about this is that you don’t want to feel bad. Guilt feelings hurt. They are painful. Because Who you really are is not only totally innocent of even the least bit of selfishness, but Loving and Desiring to make others perfectly happy forever in a most heroic altruistic way. To the point that as the Being you truly are you gave your Live to this human creature. You knew beforehand it would make you experience and believe you are a member of a race of the most feared, most clever but dangerous predators, giving you the impression that you are loving mostly selfishly, conditionally, making you feel guilty for that, and accusing you constantly of not being good enough in an endless variety of painful ways. It would be like a crucifixion, a descend into hell, a constant torturous dying, compared to the Heavenly state you enjoyed before appearing in this world as a human.

    Your entangled human thoughts would encircle you head like a crown of thorns, each one stinging sharply, the ego would pierce you heart like the sharp point of a lance, and your capacity to give and receive true Love would seem paralyzed, as hands nailed by the human reason and memories to the cross you would experience being to yourself, with you real will also painfully nailed to it, like feet wanting to go in the right direction your conscience directs you, but painfully incapacitated by the nail of you human will and desire.

    And yet you gladly volunteered to come here anyway and cooperate in the Divine Plan to extend the joyful knowledge you had Back Stage to the new being you would create by experiencing being a human. So that a whole new reality would be created, a world where billions of beings also would eventually come to enjoy what you already enjoyed. Also they would know and be forever glad that Who their real Identity is is perfectly altruistic, to a degree that the human mind cannot even imagine in it’s wildest dreams. But it would come to enjoy it, of that you would make certain, even if you would have to go trough the worst most scary and painful hellish nightmare for it. A horror that is indescribable, a suffering that only a God would be willing to endure if that were what it would take to accomplish making others perfectly happy forever. The “others” being the humans we now experience being.

    As the new awareness still in human form you will grow into a Reality beyond it. It is already in you, even if you would not enjoy that Heaven yet. But you will, as such your Divine Will is. And so will everyone else in this world.

    In the state of Heaven there are no longer men and women. Even though the physical forms might still be appearing. But perception -interpretation- of Who our true Being is will be more like seeing brilliant stars, suns a bit larger than the physical bodies, as if the latter were embraced by marvelous loving joyous spheres of pure Light. For light symbolizes awareness.

    So don’t identify with your human appearance, nor with its character, desires, and behavior. You may indeed just watch it, as if noticing something alien to you. For such it is.

    And yet… suppose you were having a dream. You are dreaming you are a mouse. And in your dream another dreamed mouse appears, telling you that you are not really the mouse you experience being. In reality you are something called “a human.” Even though you can’t remember what that is. And when told that you as a human being are in countless ways incomparably more and greater than the mouse you experience being, you think you must be a rat then… : )

    If then you were told that when you as that dreamed mouse think “I” even in your mouse language, it would still be the dreaming human you are in reality -laying asleep in a bed- who would be thinking “I” as you the dreamed mouse, would that not be true then?

    This is a dream, a virtual reality, and the following is but a pointer, a memo shared here, a meditation, a prayer:

    “God wants to give Himself to everyone.
    That He may be Himself in me and my neighbors
    He now prays one with everyone also in me as I: ‘I’.”

    Even though you may forget all the above temporarily, or have the ego misinterpret it, you will remember. It is the Divine inheritance you wanted to share with the human you knew beforehand you would experience being here. You “died” for this being, you let yourself be crucified to it, devoured alive by it. That also it would have eternal Life and Heaven.

    May You remember and recognize Who You Are.


    1. Lode

      “”Godly bliss or suffering,
      also this was I willing to experience out of Charity,
      remembers God one with everyone
      now also as I.”


  3. Lode

    Adam and Eve -our Intellect and Soul- after beginning to assimilate merely human perception were no longer clothed in the grace of our true Being. And shame took over because of how things seemed to be. All this during the sleep -dream- of the spirit -awareness- of our Divine Dreamer, Who after “breathing” It’s awareness “fell” into a deep sleep. As is described in the first chapters of Genesis. Human existence is taking place in God’s dream.

    Because this video was made by a Turkish Sufi like organization, our true Being dreaming this now is called “Allah” at the end if it. It’s a very graphic explanation of perception and it’s virtual reality nature:

    “The Secret Beyond Matter”


  4. Lode

    Why do parents in general close -even lock- their bedroom door before they do “it”? Why is it that we don’t think it is morally appropriate to have sex with children? Not even with minors who’s bodies can already bear children?

    Why is virginity even subconsciously -as a collective archetype- seen as a sign of purity?

    Could it be because in a way sex is the opposite of our true Nature? Like a perverse egoic interpretation -perception- of what real union and oneness with our true Self is? The oneness of the soul -that which has the faculties of reason, memory and will- with the One that is our true Being? And in that sacred space the real sharing of That with one another?

    Why don’t we do “it” with anyone who would like to do it with us? No matter how much they would like to? Why do we do it with those only that in return give us as much pleasure as we give them? But not with those we receive less from than they receive from us? Be it in the form of estethic attractiveness, a favor or power, or money in the case of straight out prostitution? And why do we not say that prostitution is the same as real love?

    Could all that not be because also subconsciously -but deeper- we know this is not how our true Love is? Our true desire to make happy and share that happiness?

    Why do we appreciate a mother who goes into a burning house to save her baby, even knowing that she might get burned, and that the skin searing blazing hot flames and breathing in the smoke will be painful even if she is lucky and doesn’t end up like an invalid for the rest of her human existence afterwards? Why do we not see the act of a prostitute who makes “love” to a client as the same as that act of that mother?

    We are not these animals. None of this selfish conditional “love” business is in accord with Who our true Identity is.

    In a hidden way we therefore morally despise sex. We us words designating the organs for procreation -four letter words- in a most denigrating way: “He’s a dick, she’s a cunt.”

    Female dogs when in heat do it with any dog who likes to. A female dog is called “a bitch.” Sounds familiar with respect to name calling for women who are disrespected? Is it not meant as a painful insult? And a sign of an unfaithful selfish way of loving? Not caring for the hurt feelings of a partner, but overruling that concern in pursuit of selfish pleasure?

    Just as killing someone is morally condemned -as long as it was done for some selfish reason, not for the protection of the life of a loved one who was under thread of death- so subconsciously we morally condemn sex. Unless it is for giving others the opportunity to appear as humans in this world: procreation. We all know that is what female breast and the female and male sex organs are for. That doing it can be pleasurable is not a morally justified reason by itself to do it. (For prostitutes the only “pleasure” is getting the money. And maybe giving it to her pimp, to receive appreciation from him in return.)

    I remember once years ago during four days of a blissful union with our true Being that on the third day a beautiful young woman came to visit me. I had been madly in love with her for quite some time, and found her the most attractive creature on earth.
    I was sitting on my bed as she walked in, and saw her take off her t-shirt while she said “I want you to make love to me.” Her sudden appearance and this scene brought me quickly partially back into this world, although I still felt much of that delicious deep peace, and that tremendous love. As she put her hands behind her back to undo her bra, my body jumped up from the bed, and my arms strongly embraced her. Then I heard myself whisper in her ear “O my love, if I do that with you, I’ll come back to feeling the body, and then I’ll lose what I feel now. And it is what I feel now I want to share with you.”

    I fully meant it, I really felt that having sex at that moment with that young woman I had been passionately in love with and longed for would completely end my at that moment enjoyed delight. It was as if after a torturous long thirsty walk trough the desert, having run out of water a few days before, you arrive at an oasis, and some friendly people there offer you a big glass with lemonade… and while you are gulping the first gulp down, a child approached and held up a chewed out chewing gum to you, saying “Have this instead.” Totally unattractive. That’s how the prospect having of sex with that young lady felt to me.

    We remained friends, sort of. It became obvious to me after those blissful days had passed that her soul had felt the impulse to visit me that day to teach me what we have given up by taking on this human experience. With the intent that one day also the thus created new awarenesses would come to enjoy Who and How heir true Being is. A Being as Which they were willing to give up the enjoyment of indescribable great happiness and pleasure, to have it back again only when also the humans would enjoy it, and not a second before they would.

    Celibacy comes from the Latin “caelibatus”: “heaven bound.” It has been written by the classic Christian mystics that it is a gift of God, not something one can achieve on one’s own. It has even been written that some are born “eunuchs”, some are made so by others, and some make themselves “eunuchs” for the Kingdom. This I understand spiritually. It’s not about physical self mutilation. St. Augustine even wrote that it greatly surprised him that a man so versed in the old scriptures and with such a deep insight in divine matters had taken the “eunuch” part in a literal physical sense…
    He also wrote that if the ancient patriarchs had intercourse with woman, it was only for procreation, otherwise they would not have touched sex with a ten foot long pole. Because they enjoyed oneness with God, and nothing on earth comes even light years away close to enjoying that.

    All this to say that the urge for union and sharing of mutual pleasure is certainly there. As is the loving desire to give other spiritual parts of our Divine Self the opportunity to experience the human existence, and thus one way or another to cooperate in the Divine Plan to turn earth into Heaven.

    Of course, if the urge to have sex is overpowering we will have sex, one way or another. But it’s pleasure is even unpleasant compared to our original Divine Pleasure.

    If I could take a pill that would forever take away my desire for sex, having it replaced by the enjoyment of the One that is our true Being, and sharing that with my neigbors so also they enjoy it for themselves equally, I would take it on the drop of a hat. Yet for as long as my desire for that real thing is not satisfied in the experience of this virtual reality, so be it.

    Whatever is not to our liking compared to our highest moral ideal and we in that sense dislike is dislike -unlike- who our true Being is, and we are dislike -unlike- It.

    Just a Back Stage reminder…. ; )

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Vironika Tugaleva

    This is interesting. I wonder what you’ll think of my thoughts on this.

    I see love and sexuality as two different processes. Love, unconditional love, is an expanding process. The more I love one person, the more I love all people. I have more and more to give. Sexuality is different. I can draw inspiration from plenty of sources, but my ability to output is DECREASED with increased recipients of that output. And thus, sexuality is possessive and magnetic.

    So, love without sexuality is just fine. It’s great. That’s why all the spiritual gurus want you to do it – because it’s a fully functional state.

    Sexuality without love is hugely problematic. It’s full of power structures and possessiveness, disrespect and lack of awareness.

    Love WITH sexuality, however, is the ultimate level. It is the ability to place animal magnetism and attachment within the framework of spiritual detachment. I think of love as an encompassing womb within which we can create, move, and play together. And we can play in such a way that causes us no harm, because we can “detach” from each other at any moment.

    And so, when the other spiritual gurus tell you to drop the sex act, it’s a bit like someone telling you to eat the same thing every day just because you’ve found a healthy meal. Sure, it’s safe and great, but it’s not the best we can do.

    So, as a spiritual guru, I’m pleased to tell you to sex it up all you want. And spread the good word. ❤


  6. Akasuna

    Lori, thank you for sharing and being honest, Could you specify how you came to the conclusion that you feel you are obsessed by sexuality? Much love to you, within and all around you,


  7. Get Ready For It

    Hi Lori,
    Great Blog.
    I recently stumbled across another great article on bio-energy, neurochemistry and sexuality. It inspired me to write my own article entitled “Population Planning – Families for an Infinite Future” which looks at how we can re-consider sexuality and family planning to naturally heal our body mind spirit complex. If you would like to read it here’s the link:
    There is a link through to the original Bio-energy/Sex article within my article if it sparks your interest.


  8. Keith Davie

    Dearone, don’t let the prudish semi-enlightened ones dim your light! The idea that to be enlightened/awake means an abandonement of our human-ness – including the joys of sexuality – is no different than the Catholic churchs insistance on celibacy for the priesthood. Both stem from a Paranoid insistance that sex is by definition a bad thing, an unclean thing, a weakness.
    This is nonsense, of course. Sex is neither good nor ill in itself, but becomes what we make it.
    Let the so-called enlightened elite abandone their humanity, perhaps we are all better off .therefore!


  9. Keith Davie

    Dearone, don’t let the prudish semi-enlightened ones dim your light! The idea that to be enlightened/awake means an abandonement of our human-ness – including the joys of sexuality – is no different than the Catholic churchs insistance on celibacy for the priesthood. Both stem from a Paranoid insistance that sex is by definition a bad thing, an unclean thing, a weakness.
    This is nonsense, of course. Sex is neither good nor ill in itself, but becomes what we make it.
    Let the so-called enlightened elite abandone their humanity


  10. Adam Sheck

    Lori Ann,
    You’re preaching to the choir, so not sure that I have much to add, yet I continue to admire your courage and vulnerability in telling it like it it – for you! People don’t have to take it on or like it or hate it or project onto it, but they probably will.

    I always admire the lightning rods that have something to say and say it. Somebody has to and you have been chosen to accept the call and you have. Now, that’s what I find sexy and it turns me on WAY beyond body parts and the external.

    Keep it up,


  11. Leo Searle-Hawkins

    Hey Lori,

    I really love your approach to life and writing and sexuality – as you know. Wonderfully refreshing and an excellent antidote to “spiritual political correctness”.

    Something that seems to be missed by many spiritual folk is that a simple truth lies in the Genesis story of Adam & Eve.

    Before they partook of the fruit of tree of judgement of good and evil they were naked and unashamed. Then, having eaten the forbidden fruit they covered their private bits with fig leaves. And from that day forth all kinds of horrors were perpetrated by humanity upon humanity, often in the name of an imaginary God fighting an equally imaginary evil.

    When we relinquish judgement, and the notion of a good and an evil power, what remains is the innocence of One. And then peace reigns in the garden once again while Adam and his girlfriend frolic to their heart’s content, completely unashamed of their sexuality.

    How could something as natural as sex, without which none of us would be here, be wrong or somehow “unspiritual”?

    Seems to me that it must take quite a feat of imagination to come up with that one. Not to mention a quite unhealthy dose of that most poisonous of environmental toxins: the notion that we can know what is good and what is bad.

    I figure Monsanto must have had something to do with that apple tree … 🙂


  12. Davidya

    Thanks, Lori Ann
    This subject similarly came up in a spiritual forum this week. It began with the sex is evil/barrier to spirit thing then brought in eastern fundamentalism, like you have to be celibate to become enlightened. Rubbish. (as you know) But the net has all kinds of this repressive stuff. Awakening-wise, it’s like ego. Ego, and sex, are not barriers to awakening. It is identification with them that is the barrier. It is not sex itself but how you feel about it that you need to look at. If you’re feeling reactive when the subject comes up, there’s resistance or denial (or craving). Very common in our culture as most of us where shamed as kids around sexuality. Thus it will push buttons for people. It becomes part of the shadow, part of what needs to be healed for a fully expressed life. And, here you are! 😉

    When I responded to the comments, I was taken as “vilifying” their “deep knowledge” and the sages of history! Happily, others concurred with me and I was able to bring some peace to the original poster. Sex is a hot button in so many ways. 😉


  13. sheri

    “I am just playing in this realm of sexuality, like a curiosity driven alien who wants to know: WTF is with the sex thing?

    Let’s investigate it with a smile of unknowing. And above all have fun.”

    I’m with you,Lori!

    I figure the ones wanting to bring you down don’t have much joy in their own life’s…I only feel compassion for them and continue to live my life with as much enthusiasm and love as possible.


  14. Ladis

    100 % on the ball Lori! All is God, all is Divine, and it is time for all the shadowy shades to be returned back home, back to the LIGHT! It is all about true God Freedom expressed in all its infinite magical ways!
    Thanks for so brilliantly pushing the envelope of consciousness in this very important area of love and sexuality that has been so darkened by the controlling and manipulating religions and twisted believe systems of this world!
    Keep shining your beautiful LIGHT!!!


  15. don spates

    i like to tell people: “if what you are looking for has to act a certain way, look a certain way, smell a certain way, be a certain way, you won’t be able to see what you are looking for.” i also like to tell people: “if you are too serious to laugh, you are too serious.” i don’t know about you lori, but i am sick and tired of our self-righteous puritan society. a naked woman can be charged with indecent exposure? come on. i can understand a guy like me getting charged with indecent exposure 🙂 but a woman? it’s getting so you can’t even take a leak in public anymore.


  16. shell

    I find your writings wonderfully refreshing and honest. I think to myself and can relate as a 54 year old and never felt better about it woman who’s sexuality has changed, but certainly not died. I bet those individuals who post and remark negative things are just jealous somehow, they are feeling grumpy about having no sexuality anymore? Maybe I’m wrong. But you just keep doing what you are doing Ms. Lothian. Talking about the simple facts of life pertaining to those lucky enough men and women who still enjoy this wonderful connection between two souls on an earthly level.
    “Observation over many months, you seem to be totally obsessed with sex and your own sexuality as an aging woman… get over yourself.” Did someone REALLY write this? Get over yourself? Like WTF is her or his problem? Obsessed with sex?
    You write beautifully about sexuality. I remember the first few times I read some of your stuff. I recall thinking….finally a woman who has the guts to be her true self and not care what others think. Just remember, many feel exactly as you do.
    Keep writing exactly as you do.


    1. Lori Ann Lothian

      Shell, thanks for the feedback. I realize that the comment from the woman seems harsh, but I also recognize that i am her. In a sense, the “negative” comments (and there are not that many, they just get my attention) represent my own shadow, the part of me still unsure about sexuality, sexual expression, about taboo-breaking and all the rest. I know that whatever comes at me aggressively, comes from me as well. I am glad you enjoy my writing!


      1. Jeffrey

        I appreciate your honest clarity in regard to the fact/likelihood that an attentive being is more likely operating “on all cylinders” of awareness, i.e., sensing all the applicable parameters, pro or con, in any moment or situation where sexual desire is relevant. I once heard a teacher-type say, “The problem with sex is… you’re always wanting.” That would be in contrast to being already perfectly whole/complete, content as is. That would also be a type of ‘takingness’ in contrast, PERHAPS, to an attitude of givingness. The former implies more a me-attitude.
        I would also find it revealing, when talking on this subject, if people were to acknowledge upfront if their natal sun sign—and/or moon sign, and/or rising sign, and or Venus and Mars, are in the sign of Scorpio, or perhaps Aries, or Sagittarius… such persons are more likely to have an ingrained libido that can’t be ignored.


  17. Pingback: My Sex Obsession & My Lust for God | Spiritlife

  18. arion444

    Brilliant post…exactly what I’ve been into of late. I will be writing a piece soon addressing the duality of non-dualists, and how that also takes us away from the discovery of The Presence within form. Thanks Lori…you’re spot on!


    1. Lori Ann Lothian

      The duality of non-dualists. Great line. Yes, the ‘this, not that’ becomes it’s own new world of duality, even as it is contained within the realm of “enlighenment.” I’d say the mind loves to compare and contrast reality. Presence (or awareness, or our true nature) just says, “bring it all on. It’s all good.” (and yep, nothing is ever wrong…just sometimes uncomfortable…)


  19. Louise

    At first I wondered the same…it is curious…then I thought maybe that is why you were gifted with awakening, for this very reason : )


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