A reader asked me the other day about my sex life post-awakening and whether it had changed (Answer: yes, drastically and yet, not at all). During the same time I got wind of an upcoming teleseminar series with interviews of well known spiritual teachers about their vulnerabilities and challenges. A kind of get real endeavor to bring the human angle back to the storyline of enlightenment. I suggested the series host, Raphael Cushnir, also ask about their sex life and he responded, “In the series I had a great conversation about the role of teaching and sexuality with Diane Musho Hamilton. Not the full Monty on this vast topic, but definitely some powerful sharing.”
And I realized the full Monty scares people. Why don’t people put up their hands in satsang and ask the likes of Adyashanti or Ganga-gi about the role of sexuality in awakening? And why don’t these teachers address their own sexual story with the zeal they have for the tale of their enlightenment? It doesn’t matter we are on a path to self realization, somehow bringing into the open our own sexuality–in its full glory and despair– is still taboo. Facebook will shut you down if you over-sex your posts, and God forbid you language with words like cunt or cock or fuck. We are programmed to fear sexual vulnerability and forbidden to express our sexuality outside the lines of socially acceptable detail. We want our public sex talk in soft focus, blurry on the edges and generalized into normalcy. We want to keep our hands over our ears and hear no evil, as if sexual pleasure is a dirty secret instead of a potential portal to divinity.
As some of you know, in March I joined elephant journal as a regular columnist, writing on Love, Sex and Relationship. My last post, The Dark Secret Reason Relationships Fail (which intimately addresses my own sexual fears), soared to 11,000 views in one week. The piece was written a year ago, before my awakening, but the story of my sex life has been one where sexuality (from bisexuality to tantra classes) was a significant part of the sacred path up the mountain. To pretend that sex was and is irrelevant would be impossible.
My colleague at elephant, Candice Holdorf, recently blogged in exquisite and excruciating detail of her experience of being “fucked open by the universe.” In a piece entitled Sex: Not for the Faint of Heart, she shares her experience (one which I have also had) of the transcendent yet fully carnal place where the boundless dissolves all boundaries. She writes, “Whereas before I was simply feeling my own body, I was now feeling my own body through the tip of his cock, which he was feeling (obviously). And I could feel him feeling his cock and feeling me with his cock. So it’s as if there was a circuit of connection—from me, to his cock, to his mind, back to his cock, and to me again—that added a whole new dimension of sensation to the experience. I wasn’t only in my orgasm, I was also in his orgasm, which then melded and becomes the shared orgasm. It’s as if one plus one did not equal two, but infinity.”
I’m in peri-menopause now. Things are changing. It’s a whole new experience of this body (more dry, less open, more contained, less desirous) and I’m in a state of being (less thought, more presence) where the change is not judged or resisted. It simply is.
Yet I am also in a relationship with a virile man who just might have a voracious libido and who certainly sees sexuality as his doorway to infinity. So stay tuned and watch for my new blog, Love Stripped Down, where the topic of sex and enlightenment will be explored in depth. And of course, at elephant where the backstory is still unwinding, in my tell-all tales of how my true and false ideas about sex were an integral part of waking up.
Awareness is here (and still sexual)
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